Five years ago you went away. I still remember your last days, all of us circled around your bed.
I think if you could have talked during this time you would have waved us all away, telling us to go home now.
You actually said the words to me just before you started on your journey home.
“It’s time to let go.”
It made me think of Jesus when he said to Mary Magdelene just before he left her,
"Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended. to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'
You were a mom to the the very end, allowing us to circle around you, knowing we needed to be near you.
It was hard to watch you on the last day as you struggled for breath.
I counted- 53 short shallow breaths a minute. Every time I think of you now I take a deep breath and remember.
I remember getting mad inside watching you helpless and unable to breathe deep.
I asked you a couple of months before, on one of our visits if you were afraid to die.
You said you weren’t, you just didn’t want it to hurt.
I hope it did not hurt.
When you finally took your last breath it was early in the morning on July 1st. Mary Clare stayed with you. I wanted to stay but was exhausted from the last couple of days, and so emotional inside. I remember walking down the stairs and out the doors of St. Elizabeth’s nursing home. I got into my car and broke down.
We got the call soon after we had left and made our way back to your body. It was obvious you weren’t there anymore. Your breath was gone. You were gone. We all just stood there, held hands and prayed.
Mary Clare described your last breath as being a deep one and told us, “God was here.” We teared up.
I was so sad inside for not being there to see you go with God. I felt like Peter, John, and James unable to stay awake with you in the garden. I know you would have waved this off too and told me to stop it.
I miss you, everyday mom. Thank you for the gift of this life and for all the deep breaths we still get to take, in your memory. *Deep cleansing breath.
I love you.
July 2nd, 2014 ~ There were so many dragonflies at your gravesite yesterday. ~
“Thus is considered blessing
Should a dragonfly proceed us
As we go a walking”
Her tiny dragonfly bible of few pages,
On gossamer and the color blue alone
I know the way to new life…
From the ancient Dine prayer by cp estes
With Beauty before me I walk
Dragonfly Saving the World.